Thoughts on web design...

Currently, I'm working on helping my partner work on creating a website that she can use as an online portfolio, which will hopefully assist her in landing an internship and a good job later on down the road.  I've done a lot of dabbling with website development and such, but nothing as complicated as this.  If I knew how crazy this was going to be before I started this endeavor, I probably would have told her to contract this shit out...but now I'm committed and I want to be able to at least try to make this happen.


I knew how to purchase a domain name and I knew how to sync that domain name to a free website provider (i.e. blogger, google sites, etc.). I know basic HTML - but am no way near proficient - but I've figured out a few things here and there (tag clouds, tab creation, theme development).


I did not know anything about FTP (file transfer protocol), web hosting, or that wordpress.com would make things infinitely more impossible to do this shit simply.  


All I wanted to do was use this template to construct an online portfolio via wordpress.com.


Hopefully, I'll be able to figure this all out and feel a little bit like a mini-genius for figuring most of it out by myself.  Let's just hope I know when enough is enough and when to ask for help :-/...

Thoughts on monogamy...

Why is it that monogamy often gets a bad rap? There are so many stories and movies about people cheating on one another because they can't handle commitment.  Some people criticize monogamous relationships for not being 'progressive' enough, because monogamy is an institution that was built upon oppression, power, and control.  Now, I understand this particular critique - I used to feel that way myself (specifically regarding marriage).  But what changed my mind on this topic had more to do with making a commitment, not just to a person, but to a certain type of life that I wanted to have.  Getting married isn't just about having the same political rights as heterosexuals.  It's more about entering an equal partnership with another person and making a formal, public statement to those close to you that you are going to work hard to make each other happy and do what is best for each other.

Think about it - we judge relationships all the time.  Your best friend starts dating someone new.  There's this awkward period where all the friends are assessing that new person - trying to determine if this person will be good to your friend.  A relationship ends.  What's the first thing that is usually said? "They weren't good for you."  We care about relationships and we care about the people in them.  Many of us have had relationships where we just can't get enough of that person. What makes this feeling last? What makes it end? There are a lot of reasons that can answer these questions...

Lately, a few things have happened that have got me thinking a lot about relationships and monogamy - specifically regarding queer relationships.

1. A conversation among queer friends at a birthday party
2. Watching "The Science of Sex Appeal" on Netflix
3. Struggling to actually want to watch "The Kids Are Alright"
4. Talking a lot with my partner about our own relationship

1.  I mostly listened to the conversation at the birthday party - but here's the gist of what happened.  Some of the guys there were gossiping about these two guys who were engaged recently broke off their engagement because one of them cheated.  A comment by an older queer guy was really what took me by surprise.  He basically said, "Oh, they're young.  Once both of them get a little older, they'll learn to work through this sort of thing and not be so quick to end a relationship."  This then turned into a conversation about the difference between men and women (gays and lesbians, respectively).  Basically, men can't control their hormones and will fuck around.  Women like to settle down and nest, and would naturally be more hurt if their partner cheated.

2.  This movie piqued my interest because I like documentaries, and I like the Discovery Channel (minus the fact they gave Sarah Palin her own show), and I am curious about sex and it's appeal.  Well, I should have known that this would be a disappointment.  The entire film focused strictly on heterosexual couples and had a very strong evolutionary focus (clarification - I do believe in evolution!), but had nothing to say regarding queer couples or what attracts one woman to another, etc.  Silly me for thinking it actually would.  It was still interesting, and I may have learned something - mostly that heterosexually inclined women are more attracted to 'masculine' smelling men when they are ovulating, but are really turned off and even down right disgusted by the scent of a 'masculine' man.  Men want to have sex with many women - and will even think an 'ugly' woman is doable if they can smell an ovulating vagina. Women are more picky when it comes to what attracts them to a man.  Oh, and love and monogamy can be scientifically calculated through MRI's and such.

3. I haven't seen this movie - and I'm not sure if I ever will.  But everyone who has seen it has said that it was really good (despite the femme mom cheats on her butch partner when she sleeps with the sperm donor for the couple's two children).  Why can't their be a movie where two people (regardless of sexuality - but ESPECIALLY if it is a queer relationship!) doing what it takes to make it work for the long haul and not succumbing to lust or boredom? Don't get me wrong - I don't think everyone that enters a long term, committed relationship ends up with a happily ever after scenario.  Lovers get sick, they die, they cheat on you, they end the relationship for other reasons.  Not everyone really gets a happy ending.  BUT - there are some relationships that last the test of time and actually work and the couple does have a happy ending...or happier.

4.  My current relationship is the most stable, secure, honest, happy, (insert every positive adjective here) relationship I have ever been in.  This isn't because my previous relationships were necessarily bad because of bad people or anything.  Rather, I think that I am just a different person because of those relationships and have a better understanding of who I am and of what I'm looking for in a relationship.  I am not interested in a non-monogamous relationship.  I dabbled in that sort of thing briefly and it was probably one of the worst things I could have ever done - for me and my relationship.  I don't like hurting or hurting people I care about, and everyone was hurt by this feeble attempt to be 'progressive'. Being non-monogamous can make you lose trust in your partner. It can make you feel insecure.  It made me feel both of those things and at the end of the day, it made me question not just my relationship or my partner, but who I was as a person.

Could non-monogamy work for other people? Maybe...but I'm not convinced. I don't think people in non-monogamous relationships are truly happy. I don't think that people in monogamous relationships are necessarily truly happy either.  A relationship is a good one when there is equality and mutual respect between the two (or more) people.

I think the real question is: Can you create equality and harmony in the relationships you enter into? What do you think?

Earthen Vessel

Last night, I was doing some last minute holiday shopping and on my way home I was flipping through the radio stations and happened upon MPR and heard a name I recognized - Ben Larson.  I can't say that we were friends, but we were acquaintances and worked together a couple of times at some open mics when we both attended Luther College. Ben Larson was a radiant, good man - and you didn't have to be close to him to see/know this.

During the earthquake in Haiti last January, I was advising a service learning experience trip in Kampala, Uganda.  I didn't even know about the earthquake until about a week and a half after the fact, as we were pretty isolated from all media as well as the internet.  I first heard about the earthquake from one of my students who had managed to find a random newspaper in Kampala and he shared the information with us one evening.  I learned of Ben's death after I arrived back to the U.S. at the end of January.  I hadn't looked at facebook in almost  month, let alone checked my email, so happening upon a facebook event for a memorial for Ben was really shocking.

It's been almost a year since this event, but it feels like it was just yesterday that it happened.  As I was sitting in the car, driving home, I listened to Ben's cousin and his wife talk about their experience during the earthquake, and how they've been dealing with everything since the earthquake.  The end of the interview included a song of Ben's called "Earthen Vessel".  I parked the car and listened to every word and thought about Ben, how his life was cut short, his wife, his cousin. I got home and looked up the song and listened to it again.  Even though I'm not religious and I don't believe in God, this song reached me in a very real way.  I sat and cried as I listened to Ben singing,

"...Everything I love is a gift to me
Everything I know is a gift to me
All my family is a gift to me..."

There is truth in these words.

Happy Holidays...

Amazing.

it's been awhile...

but i thought it would be a great idea to remind y'all that Staceyann Chin is amazing.

coming out

my friend drea has started a coming out blog and she's lookin for people to share their stories/experiences! so here's my piece...feel free to check her out at Queer Experiences

when i first think about my sexuality, i remember not thinking boys were very important to me from a very young age. that is not to say that i didn't like boys as friends or get along with them, but more in that i really didn't feel the need to go crazy about boys, even while other girls started getting crushes on them. my clearest memory of this sentiment was when all my friends that were girls were super into

New Kids on the Block (NKOTB)


and Saved by the Bell


...i was WAY more into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,


Reading Rainbow,


and Punky Brewster


(a clear sign that i was such a dyke from a very early age...)...i felt no inclination to pick my favoirtie NKOTB or choose who was cuter, Zach or Slater...when really, i totally had a crush on Kelly


(total hottie!)

but being that i was raised Catholic and was told that homosexuality was punishable by eternal damnation, i really tried hard to be attracted to boys. in junior high, i had pretty much nailed the art of appearing to be boy obsessed, while secretly having crushes on many a girl on my volleyball, basketball and softball teams. my room was plastered full of half naked boys...in fact, i'm pretty sure i had an entire wall dedicated to 6-packs, beefy arms and backs...

(it looked a little like this...but envision an entire wall of male objectification...)


by the time i reached high school, i was pretty sure i was a lesbian, and had even entered a down-low relationship with one of my best friends. i was fine with this arrangement because we lived in a rural, conservative town...and quite frankly, being brown in an all-white town gave me more than enough unwanted attention. it wasn't until my second year in college, that i embraced my sexuality and came out to many of my close friends...but even then...it was a very gradual coming out. hell, i knew my mom knew i wasn't straight but when i came out to her i literally said "i'm in a relationship with another woman"....i couldn't say 'i'm a lesbian'. i came out as being 'sexual' (meaning, i didn't want to fix my sexuality to any one category), to being a dyke, to being a lesbian, to being queer, to being a queer dyke...you get the point.



as i think about my progression of self-labeling, i think about how 'coming out' is never something that you get to do once and be done with it. first you come out to yourself, then maybe your close friends, then maybe your parents/relatives...maybe your teachers or mentors...then your co-workers, then your boss, maybe a stranger on the metro because you get into a great conversation and you feel comfortable sharing yourself a little...



it is always something that you have to navigate in your every day life...in your day to day interactions... however, taking that first step does alleviate the difficulty and it has definitely increased my self-confidence, as i no longer feel as though it is some huge secret identity that, if found out, i will be destroyed. (dramatic, i know...but when you're a recovering catholic, it's serious business people!)



some of the most interesting times i've had with deciding who to come out to has been within the restaurant industry...last summer, i worked at a restaurant that was located within a mountain lodge in colorado. i knew that i would only have that job for about a month and was really focused on just getting a job, making as much money as i could, and then moving back to dc to finish my last year of my master's program. because i knew i wasn't really going to be making many super great friends, as this really was a strictly business endeavor, i decided to not let anyone in on my personal life a whole lot. i wanted to 'just be me' instead of being that brown girl who we aren't sure of what exactly she...oh and did we mention? she's also a big fat dyke.

it wasn't until the end of my last shift that i came out to some of my coworkers when we were having our shift drinks and shooting the shit. i received an overwhelming response of 'why didn't you say anything?!?'...and all i could think was 'i just didn't want to be treated differently...' i think this particular experience was very telling for me because i was living and working in a space where i felt like my primary identity was more about my racial makeup than anything else and so because i was receiving so much attention because of that, i didn't want to deal with the implications of negotiating people's reactions to my being a lesbian.

another experience i have had was at a restaurant/bar that was specifically geared toward the queer community. the majority of people staffing the place were gay men and there was one other lesbian that i worked with. i really enjoyed this job because it was a space where i really could be me...i could be meggo...the brown queer girly butch dyke. i got to wear shorts, sneakers, baseball hats, tshirts...you know, your basic softball dyke attire! however, the majority of the gay men i waited on were, for some reason, oblivious to my sexual orientation and assumed that i was straight...or bisexual...i know this because they'd ask me to check out other guys in the restaurant with them. when i would respond, 'i'm not really sure what i'm supposed to be looking for to help you because i don't look at men that way'. i would immediately be given that look...you know...the 'interesting' look. the look that is quizzical....where you can literally see the wheels turning. even though the look never lasted too long, it was still there :) it was usually followed by a grin and then questions about 'how i knew?' and 'what do lesbians do?' etc...this environment, though frustrating at times, was one of the healthiest working environments because i felt safe in my workplace and i did feel free to just be myself...even though some people still didn't know i was a dyke until i told them.

in other words...since i've come out to myself, i've realized that it's not something that i can be done with once it happens...it's something that i negotiate on a daily basis in conjunction with other aspects of what makes me me (i.e. my race, class, gender, geographic location, etc.) it's something that i have had to make a conscious decision to do, based upon how comfortable i feel with the people i am surrounded by...but it does get easier...that's for sure!

ani is good for your soul.

so i went to an ani difranco concert in baltimore recently and while i was there,
i purchased another official bootleg cd. she makes these official bootlegs of live
shows she does all over the world and the one i got was from madison, wisconsin in
2004.

most of the bootlegs have very similar playlists, but every so often you'll find one
that has a new song or a song that is old but sounds different b/c it's live and
she's just by herself.

yesterday, i was walking to campus and then later to/from work listening to it.
it's a good cd! she's really talkative and friendly and happy sounding...even when
she's about to play a sad song.  it's just a good cd.

i digress...

she played rock paper scissors and i was floored. i was having a sort of shitty day
yesterday for various reasons, mostly due to the fact that this break up with the
lady has been more of a rollercoaster in terms of how i'm dealing and how i feel
about the situation in general. yesterday was a pissy day.

and then rock paper scissors came on. i listened carefully to the words (like a good
ani disciple) and found myself relating a LOT to the song and the song's message.
throughout this entire breakup process, i have turned to ani to find a way to grieve,
heal, process, move on, etc. i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have this music.

i think i would go insane. i don't have time for a therapist, and my friend's aren't
always going to be available for me to bitch/cry/talk things through with them. but
i have my music, and enough time by myself to listen and work things out.

below are the lyrics to the song. i tried to find a clip of the song to play on
project playlist (www.projectplaylist.com) (if you haven't heard of it, you should check it out, it's pretty
decent), but alas, there was none.  so, you'll just have to go online and buy your
own copy...which is totally worth the $10 btw (www.righteousbaberecords.com)

anyway, that's all.
the end.
love,
meghan.

Rock Paper Scissors : Ani DiFranco

it's rock paper scissors as to whether
i will get over you at all
it's hand against hand and both hands are mine
it's standing in a circular line
which is not to say that i am not also happy
a happy meal with a surprise inside
surprise surprise here's another bright light in your eyes
exposing all the stuff you're not calculating enough to hide

but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations

but i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way
like a bird into the sky of my brain?

i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene
desire drags me right out of myself
a gas-soaked rope tied to a piece of coal
and i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames rip along the sand and swallow me whole

but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations

but i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way
like a bird into the sky of my brain?

The Meg(h)an's Great Adventure to the Nat's Game

last night, my cohort member, megan, and i went to a d.c. national's baseball game. leah, another cohort member, had free tickets and wasn't going to be able to use them, so she asked us if we wanted them and we said, 'sure, why not?'

but the interesting part is how long it took us to get there in the first place...

megan and i didn't take down the exact directions to the stadium, but we had read things differently...she read on the nat's website that you could get to the stadium from union station...and i thought leah had said that we needed to transfer to the blue/orange line and go to the stadium/armory stop...

but, seeing as megan had gone to the actual website, i decided to take her word...so we got off at union station....and had to ask a security guard where to go....he gave us directions and we ended up here:



so we asked some more directions and were instructed that the stadium was about 20+ blocks away and so we should take the bus...

so we took the bus:



but before we got onto the bus, we waited about 20 mins...where we watched numerous pimped out cars, a group of young teens pass us by while throwing trash in the air, and talked to a middle aged white dude about baseball and how we really weren't nat's fans.

finally, we arrived at the stadium, and saw this:



megan and i proceeded to laugh our butts off...clearly, this was going to be an amazing night...or at least one that proved to be interesting.

once we got in, we ordered some food and beer:


i ate this....



megan ate this...



i was still really hungry, so i ate this...



we both drank this...

and proceeded to watch the



get their asses handed to them by the



10 - 0

during the 7th inning stretch, there was this really annoying sports caster dude....who sorta looked like this:



and was just about as annoying as the most popular kid in hs...probably prom king or quarterback...or both...

anyway, he kept popping up on the jumbo screen and was talking about giving away tshirts....we didn't get any....but he was a total tool.

after that, there was a bunch of huge moths that were flying around scaring the pants off of everyone:



they were freaking, but i smacked one and i think it was stunned...b/c it didn't move at all when i threw a french fry at it.

after the 7th inning, there was a huge crowd of people that left b/c the nat's were losing so bad....but this guy that was sitting next to megan left his peanuts by her empty carton of nachos...and even though he looked at her weirdly (she guessed that he couldn't figure out why his peanuts got there) he and his gf left and the left their peanuts behind. so, megan and i ate those too!



after the game was over, megan and i left the stadium and then headed to the correct metro (the one i said we should have gone to) and saw this dude that was selling hats for $5.00 a piece....i said, 'no thanks, i'm a cubs fan'. then we turned the corner and there was a guy that was selling 2 hats for $5.00! we decided we couldn't pass up such a great deal, but as soon as we handed the cash over, that dude was outta there!!! he packed up all his stuff and shoved it into a duffle bag and bolted!



upon closer examination of the hats, we realized they were completely fake...as in, someone made some cheaper versions of nat's caps with a shitty sewing machine and we purchased them still. but it was dark outside, and it was a great deal...and no one will really know the difference....especially if they're not really nat's fans...which we aren't.

afterwards, we finally reached the metro and saw this:



it was so crazy packed, but everyone got into the metro cars and we zipped home. however, we totally had to stand next to smelly men, and rancid smelling take-out....

either way, it was an amazing adventure...one that i'm sure wouldn't have happened any other way, when megan and i are concerned.

i think in the future, tailgating will be a must...cheaper food and beer...and probably way more fun than the actual game....but it was still sort of neat-o.

SMV and Pedestrians...

funny story.

yesterday, while i was engaged in a discussion about slow moving vehicle signs with my friend katie

and the debate within amish communities and whether or not they should put the smv triangles on their buggies

i got hit by a car!

that's right...i was hit by a car. not bad though, so don't worry.

katie and i were walking down the connecticut ave on the sidewalk, and we were passing a driveway for an apt. complex. we had the right of way, as we were pedestrians and we got to the driveway first,

this blue car came up and slowly proceeded to run into me!

this is the view i saw....

anyway, i had had a couple of drinks before all of this and was feeling a little happy and i just hit the hood of the car with my hands and kept walking backwards with the car until the driver noticed that he was pushing me into the road!!!

CRAZY! but i just laughed my ass off and kept going....after he apologized...

the end!
love,
meggo

letter to my mom

this is a letter i wrote to my mom. she's a single mother of three and has had to work hard since the day (actually, more like 9months before) i was born. ever since i was in high school, she has been trying to find a man...she wants a companion more than anything (i'm not trying to make her sound desperate, so please don't take it that way)...but she's getting older and doesn't want to spend her life alone when all her kids graduate. also, the simple fact of the matter remains that her life would be, economically, better. plain and simple... some of you might be able to relate...others won't. take it for what it is...but i just wanted to post it b/c it's the most honest thing i've written lately (by that i mean, it's the most truthful thing that i have written from my heart in a long time).oh, and there's a section in it where i talk about men in general...and by men, i mean patriarchal culture...not all men...so don't get your undies in a bunch.
peace.
--------------
hi mom-
i can't sleep, so i thought i'd write you an email. i've been thinking about you a lot lately and hoping that you are doing well. and i also want you to know that i've thought a lot about life and our relationship in general...and i think i'm finally at a point where i can say that i understand a little better about some of the decisions you've made that have made me really angry and hurt...and i'm not hurt or angry anymore.

i know that i was really a rotten little shit at times and for that i'm really sorry. i really gave you a hard time and made things really difficult. and you could have reacted much worse...but you didn't. you were always really patient with me and never tried to intentionally hurt me or limit me.and lately, i think i've come to understand as to why i get so upset about the thought of you dating...so here are my thoughts.

i think the main reason why it frustrates me is because we live in a patriarchy...no matter how long the women's movement has been going on, we're still having to struggle with it...the only problem is that it's become more institutionalized, thus making it harder to point out and attack. where exactly is this going? well, i just want the best for you. i always have and i will continue to do so...and the thought of all your problems being solved by some man just plain disgusts me. not because i don't think anyone will be good enough, or that i don't want you to be happy (b/c i do think there is someone out there for you and i do want you to be happy)...but b/c it's true that all your problems could be solved if you found some rich man who just wanted to take care of you and sweep you off your feet.

the thing of it is, i'm really convinced that you are a victim/survivor of sexism/patriarchy. what i mean by this is, i think that the problems that you have had to continually struggle against have been mostly due to a system that has been set in place to hold you back - to make it harder for you to make it on your own. if you were a single, childless woman, things would be different. however, b/c you're a single mother of three children, the chances of you being able to make ends meet, and then some, become next to impossible. in a country where we are supposed to believe in and reach for the 'american dream,' how and the hell is this supposed to happen if you have to work just as hard as any single man (or a man with a childthat he doesn't take responsibility for) just to get enough money to pay the bills, have food on the table and a roof over your head?

now, i know you know all of this...and i know that i know all of this...and that the two of us have known all of this for quite some time...but, a giant lightbulb has just gone off in my head...and it has caused me to take another look at you, and our relationship, and our lives...and why i react so poorly when you try to tell me about a possible relationship.

finally, i just wish that you didn't have to rely on a man. i wish that we lived in a world where you could 'pick yourself up by the bootstraps'...i think that, until now, i saw reliance on men as a sign of weakness and i didn't want to think of you that way. but now, i don't think that...now, i think that it just plain stinks that things are the way they are and it's going to take a lot longer than 100 years of the women's movement to see the world i want.

however, i know you're looking for an escape...truth be told, me too. i think about it all the time...i think about what i could do that would help you out...but i don't know what i could do at this point in my life...all i know is that i want to.so, as i lay thinking in my bed this evening, trying to fall asleep (i had two cups of really strong coffee this morning, not a good idea)...i had some thoughts that i wanted to share with you.i think i would really like to say this to our entire family and i hope that if the opportunity arises, i will have the courage to say it:

i think that if we could all spend a little less time judging each other and more time trying to understand each other by putting ourselves in each other's shoes, then maybe we could help each other out a little more...i think if we could do this, then maybe we wouldn't feel so forced to try to find comfort, safety, security,acceptance, etc. in other places/things...instead, we would know that we could find them in each other...like we're supposed to be doing.

however, that has been made virtually impossible b/c of these barriers of fear that we have surrounded ourselves by....whether that fear be of rejection or fear of things that are different, or fear of things we don't have the patience or willingness to understand, it's stillthere and it's getting in the way of making the best out of our lives...family and friends are what is most important. but the more we push them away, the unhappier we will all be. if we can't rely on them, then who can we rely on? this, i think, is the main downfall of american society. the fact that we don't allow ourselves to feel or that our families or friends aren't approachable...we're so individualistic that we've lost sight of how important community is.

that is what i would say.

also, i know that a big reason you are unhappy is because of your own relationship with your mother. this makes me really angry and sad. i am angry that grandma is so stubborn that she can't see how much she hurts you and everyone else in her life. i am really sad b/c too many relationships have been damaged and seem irreparable. it also makes me really sad for her. i think i am more sad for her than i am angry. she is really missing out on so many opportunities to have happinessin her life b/c she focuses on the negative. instead of turning to her family and friends to find support and strength, she rejects them and isolates them.

i am very proud of you for not taking this personality trait for your own. i know that i was a lot like grandma in high school...and all i can say is i'm glad i nipped that one in the bud.we always say that we never want to end up like our mothers...and truth be told, it's true. i don't want to have to struggle like you have...but i know that if i have to, i can do it...b/c you're doing it right now, and you have shown me that it is possible to make it out alive. but, what you rarely hear these days are good things about our mothers...things that we are proud of. and i am very proud that you are such a caring, loving, understanding, strong, and giving person. i am more proud to say that these characteristics are things that i have learned from you, and i believe they are very admirable and good.so thank you.

i love you a lot and i miss you so much. i think about you all the time, even when i don't call you to tell you. you're not a bad mother at all. if you ever thought so, or had the impression that i thought so...well, it's just not true.

i don't know if you have ever felt that way, but just in case, you're wrong.

another downfall of american society is it's downplay of the importance of motherhood. it's the most difficult job in the world...and to be very honest, i think that's what's got men all uptight...they can never give birth or bring forth life in the manner that a woman can...and that is real power...and they are scaredshitless of it.

the end.
love,
me

What This Whole Draft Thing Is Really About...

Ok...

So, last night there was a forum on political issues and what the candidates thought about said issues. A question about the possibilities of a draft came up. And this is what I found out:

-The draft bill that was sitting in the House did not pass.
-There is still on in the Senate that needs to be voted on.
-It is supported by BOTH REPUBLICANS & DEMOCRATS.
-It was started originally to take the burden off of low income families, who are disproportionately people of color, by making it mandatory for ALL U.S. citizens to participate in either military or civic duty programs.

-What does that mean?
-It means that right now, there are more working class people in the military and no Congresspeoples kids, very little upper-middle, and upper class U.S. citizens serving.
-I suppose you could consider this a low income/people of color draft that is currently in place.
-I would hope that the military would stop bragging about Affirmative Action right now...seeing as they are not using it the way it is supposed to be.

-There is currently a thing called a 'back door draft'.
-This is when people who think they have served their time in the military get called up and told that they are not done yet.
-Whoops, I believe this is illegal...

-Also...
-We have plently of troops.
-We are just stretching them thin.
-We are occupying too many countries at one time, thus we do not have the numbers necessary to 'get r done' in the places with the most conflict.

If anyone has any comments/questions/concerns about this, I'll gladly help w/answering.

Protecting the 'Sanctity' of Marriage

i wrote this letter to the editor to my school newspaper last spring...but i wanted to post it here too b/c bush pisses me off and so do the rest of his stupid religious right fanatics.
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President George W. Bush is pushing for an amendment to the Constitution that would define marriage as a union between a man and a woman. Much of the argument in favor of this amendment relates to the sanctity of marriage. What, then, does sanctity mean?According to the Merriam Webster’s Dictionary, it means “godliness” or “sacredness.” So, not only does this word have the capacity to hold a powerful recognition of a relationship, but it is followed by another word that adds a religious implication.

This piece of legislation that is trying to implement an amendment to the Constitution that will discriminate against one group of people solely because of sexuality … well, it is simply unconstitutional. The First Amendment specifically states, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.” The groundwork of this country was for a secular nation that has a separation of church and state.There are millions of straight people getting married every day, and 50 percent of them getting divorced within one year. Can we honestly say there is such thing as “sanctity of marriage”? Why should straight people be the only ones to have their relationship legally, religiously and socially recognized as legitimate? The ban on gay marriage is wrapped up in the Christian religion.

In a “secular” nation, the right to marry should not be about religion. Even those who are married by a Justice of the Peace receive a marriage certificate, whether or not they want the religious term “marriage” involved in securing their legal rights, rights that gay couples are denied. For example, a gay person cannot see her/his sick partner in the hospital, adopt children, or in many cases, receive health benefits.Bush is hiding behind the word “sanctity.” Bush is trying to protect the institution of marriage as we know it, but what is he trying to protect it from? People who love each other and would simply like to have their relationship recognized the way that everyone else is able to?

Protecting the entitlement of legal rights that the institution of marriage grants, but only to straight people, is Bush’s real agenda. This is blatant discrimination. Amendments such as this do nothing to promote the “sanctity of marriage.” Rather, this amendment encourages religious hegemony, hatred, homophobia and discrimination, all of which are things that detract from the ideals our nation was built on.

Quote of My Life

"when i despair, i remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. there have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. think of it - always."
-gandhi 1869-1948

this quote is one that i have recently stumbled upon, but it gives me hope...which has been something that has been very difficult for me to find and hold on to as of late - especially when it comes to thinking about the upcoming presidential elections.

this is me.

el salvador and nicaragua

i've taken a couple of emails that i was able to send out to a few people while on my trip to el salvador and nicaragua, but i wanted to be able toshare some of the experiences that i had with all y'all...so, here goes.

WARNING...SOME OF THIS MATERIAL IS VERY GRAPHIC.
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thursday, 08 january, 2004 (email)

yesterday was by far the hardest day of my trip.i saw the actual pictures of the 6 murdered jesuit priests and the 2 women who were seeking safety within the university of central america'swalls...it was the most gruesome thing that i have ever seen.

i started to shake and cry instantaneously. one of the priests had his hand blown off because he was trying to protect himself, i'm guessing...another had thetop portion of his head blown off. another priest's face had part of it stripped and his eyes were frozen into a terrified stare...i can still seeit in my head. for a short period of time, i had to actually remove myself from the place where we were looking at the photos...then come backafter i was able to calm down a little bit. after seeing the pictures, we toured the dormatory rooms that the priests lived in and the room that the two women were staying in.

this whole situation is completely repugnant and incomprehensible...
these people were dragged out of their homes and killed so brutally that they were not recognizable...and i am certain that the mother was raped and her daughter was killed while praying...from theway that they were positioned in the photographs...what would drive anyone to do such things to another human being? i don'tunderstand it at all...i doubt i ever will. it was so horrible...the wholetime that we were there, i felt a huge weight on my heart and my stomach was definately doing flips.

later on in the day, we visited the site of where monseñor romero was killed. there was a nun that was about 4 foot 6 who told us about him, but when we were walking to romero's home, she approached me and asked mewhere i was from and if i could speak spanish, but i told her that my spanish was not the greatest so she started speaking english and asked me again where i was from, so i told her where and that my dad was from india and that my mother's family comes from norway and germany and she smiled really sweetly and said that i was very special.

i've never thought of myself that way before...it definately took my by surprise and it made me smile a lot...i asked her about herself and she told me that she was from honduras and so was her family and that she was very happy to be in elsalvador...during this whole time, she grabbed my hand and held it...one of my classmates took a cute picture of us =) sister benedita told us the story of romero and how he had changed her life and was still present inher life through the people he has touched in life and in death and it was so beautiful that i started to cry again. she had the most amazing eyes...they were kind of gray...but not the clouded over gray look that old people get...they were just gray...like a wise, powerful color of gray.
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*CO-MADRES is an organization that is made up of mostly women who went around looking for the disappeared. they returned the bodies to the families so they could properly bury and grieve for those who were murdered. they also took pictures and documented on everyone they found so that they could seek legal justice for the crimes that were committed.they and their families were also victims of kidnapping, torture, and murder at the hands of the salvadoran government and national army.

the army was trained at the school of the america's (which is located in the u.s.) and our government/along with the c.i.a. also paid for the arms/supplies for the salvadoran army with u.s. money and money that wasmade by drug trafficing done by the c.i.a.

*friday, 09 january, 2004 (journal entry)

my heart sheds millions of tears as i listen to two incredible women's personal stories about their struggles during the Arms Conflict and after. Alicia had lost half of her family and was physically tortured...we heard the story of her sixteen year old son and how he was brutally murdered because he helped the families of the disappeared and murdered find information and seek justice for the crimes made against them and their loved ones.

during one of the times that alicia was kidnapped and tortured, she was given a forced abortion. she was 5 months pregnant...but because they beat her and tortured her, she lost her baby. Patricia was only 10 years old when she became involved with the CO-MADRES. a few years later, she was kidnapped, raped and tortured, then released. she still stuck with the organization and was kidnapped, again, and raped and tortured again....the pain in these women's eyes as they told their stories was...so intense...yet, the still told us. despite the fact that it must feel worse than pouring salt into an open wound...the CO-MADRES were only trying to help those in need (as well as themselves) find peace and justice and they suffered greatly for it.

they photographed everything they saw and kept track of how many people had been killed or disappeared.i saw a lot of the photos of the murdered. it was so horrible. i was so shocked at what i was looking at that all i could do was shake and keep looking. i needed to see all of these images...these realities...i owed it to the people who suffered under the hands of my own government. i needed to see because i need to be able to share the Salvadoran struggle with everyone back home. so, i forced myself to look at decapitated men, women, and children.

i forced myself to look at extremities that were no longer recognizable because these men, women and children tried to protect themselves from the guns, acid, fire, fists, knives, boots, etc. i saw children with the skin on their chests and backs stipped clean to the bone because acid was poured on them. some people were run over by tanks, someset on fire, some were viciously tortured before finally being alllowed death...to give them peace. women and young girls were brutally raped infront of family members and men and young boys were beaten in their testicles..some had their penises cut of and shoved down their mouths so that they not only bled to death, but suffocated as well. fingertips were burned with lighters, acid poured into eyes...these are the pictures that i saw..this is the reality of el salvador...this is what i will never forget. this is what so many people back home don't know about...and if they do know, they aren't doing a very good job letting everyone else know. this needs to be heard...this can't be forgotten...or it will be repeated again.

but then again, things like this happened during world war two...so can we stop it from happening?

i don't know...maybe. but i can'tjust sit and be complacent. i can't do nothing.

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wednesday, 14 january, 2004 (email)

so, when i was at this co-operative community called nueva esperanza (newhope) we spent an afternoon with the youth of the community and i had an interesting experience with one of the boys that i met. he is the same ageas me and his name is william. he asked me what i am studying and i told him sociology and political science and then he responded by telling me that he can´t go to university because there is not enough money to send all of the youth. i really didn´t know how to respond to him, but i called cesar (our translator) over and asked him to tell william that i want to go back to the u.s. and let everyone know the struggles and realities of the people of el salvador so that we can create awareness and help make change for the people...but he didn´t really look very impressed....then i felt like an arrogant u.s. american. i felt really bad about that...

i want everyone to know that i am sincere and that i don´t want to magically fix everything for them, but rather work side by side with them in theirstruggle to help things improve because i recognize the part that i have played, through my government and globalization, in their struggle and i want it to be different. i don´t want to bring the people up to the standards of the u.s. because that would be insane and the world would explode if everyone had two-story homes and 3 car garages, etc.

but instead, i want people in the u.s. to stop being like adolescents that always are wanting more and more things and not recognizing the selfishness and over consumption. i want the u.s. to grow up and be adults and start being a nurturing nation that will work side by side with its own people and the other nations that we have involved ourselves with.that is what i have learned today from a really cool nun. she is from jersey and rocks. she said things like, "if you still think that god has a penis, then you need to grow up"

...this woman was amazing and very refreshing and inspiring... it was good to talk to a fellow u.s. citizen and talk about the struggles of the people in el salvador. i really enjoyed her energy and passion for life and peace and justice...but it isn't just the u.s. that needs to change. it's every other nation that is acting like that. we need to be a nurturing country. we need to stop this selfishness...the gluttenous behavior...we need to start caring.

if we'resuch a huge super-power, then why aren't we doing better things around the world?

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reflections/conclusions

...basic human rights...what are they? what do we define them as? i think of basic human rights being the following:

enough food to eat everyday.

now, this may not have to mean that everyonehas the option to have all sorts of food available to them all thetime...no, enough food (according to me) constitutes as 3 meals a day that are sufficient enough to give the nutrients that we all need to survive.

access to clean water.

this whole business of privatizing water is bullshit. i'm sorry, but it is. we all need water to survive...clean water.

education (at least k-12, but i'm all for higher education for all).

why do you think that there's crime and gangs, etc. when there are so many kids that could be in school, out on the streets trying to survive. this doesn't make any sense?

access to basic health care.

i'm not saying that doctors and nursesshould work for free...but there shouldn't be children dying from diarrhea and other preventable diseases. that is just ridiculous.i know that all of these things are more complicated than i'm making it out to be...but at the same time, i don't think that they are that hard to provide for people....the answers are often times simple...but organizations like the IMF (international monetary fund) and the world bank are making it harder for so many people world wide to have these things...and all for what? money? again, this is bullshit.

i'm not againstprivate businesses, but i'm against monopolies. i'm against 3 families owning 90% of the wealth. i'm against the whole fact that only 1/3rd ofthe world is really "developed" and only because it takes from the rest of the 2/3rds of the world in order to be developed. 2/3rds of the world should not be in poverty, should not have basic human rights denied to them.

i'm sorry if this sounds like i'm ranting and raving...just kidding. i'm not sorry.

i'm pissed off. i'm frustrated, i'm feeling helpless/hopeless/angry.....but at the same time i feel motivated/inspired/pressed for time to act.

i'm impatient and i want change. i know that change takes time, but i'm tired of sitting around.

i want to act and that's what i plan on doing. i'm going to tell as that i can about my experiences...i'm going to continue my education and i'm going into foreign policy because, frankly...the u.s.foreign policy that we currently has...well, for lack of a better word, SUCKS.

so, i'm infiltrating it from the inside and i'm going to make change. and to all those who tell me i can't do it...well, piss off. i don't need your encouragement. i'm going to do it, and you're going to have to come up with a lot more to change my mind or stop me.

ok. i'll end my email now. thank you so much for reading it all the way through.

i know a lot of it was graphic and not exactly easy to digest...i haven't fully dealt or processed everything that i've experienced/learned/etc...i guess with time it will get easier to deal with...but then again, maybe it won't. if anyone would like to talk more about my trip with me, i'll be glad to share...but remember that this was not a vacation...and some of the things that i learned are hard for me to share...just please be patient with me.

peace,
meghan