Thoughts on monogamy...

Why is it that monogamy often gets a bad rap? There are so many stories and movies about people cheating on one another because they can't handle commitment.  Some people criticize monogamous relationships for not being 'progressive' enough, because monogamy is an institution that was built upon oppression, power, and control.  Now, I understand this particular critique - I used to feel that way myself (specifically regarding marriage).  But what changed my mind on this topic had more to do with making a commitment, not just to a person, but to a certain type of life that I wanted to have.  Getting married isn't just about having the same political rights as heterosexuals.  It's more about entering an equal partnership with another person and making a formal, public statement to those close to you that you are going to work hard to make each other happy and do what is best for each other.

Think about it - we judge relationships all the time.  Your best friend starts dating someone new.  There's this awkward period where all the friends are assessing that new person - trying to determine if this person will be good to your friend.  A relationship ends.  What's the first thing that is usually said? "They weren't good for you."  We care about relationships and we care about the people in them.  Many of us have had relationships where we just can't get enough of that person. What makes this feeling last? What makes it end? There are a lot of reasons that can answer these questions...

Lately, a few things have happened that have got me thinking a lot about relationships and monogamy - specifically regarding queer relationships.

1. A conversation among queer friends at a birthday party
2. Watching "The Science of Sex Appeal" on Netflix
3. Struggling to actually want to watch "The Kids Are Alright"
4. Talking a lot with my partner about our own relationship

1.  I mostly listened to the conversation at the birthday party - but here's the gist of what happened.  Some of the guys there were gossiping about these two guys who were engaged recently broke off their engagement because one of them cheated.  A comment by an older queer guy was really what took me by surprise.  He basically said, "Oh, they're young.  Once both of them get a little older, they'll learn to work through this sort of thing and not be so quick to end a relationship."  This then turned into a conversation about the difference between men and women (gays and lesbians, respectively).  Basically, men can't control their hormones and will fuck around.  Women like to settle down and nest, and would naturally be more hurt if their partner cheated.

2.  This movie piqued my interest because I like documentaries, and I like the Discovery Channel (minus the fact they gave Sarah Palin her own show), and I am curious about sex and it's appeal.  Well, I should have known that this would be a disappointment.  The entire film focused strictly on heterosexual couples and had a very strong evolutionary focus (clarification - I do believe in evolution!), but had nothing to say regarding queer couples or what attracts one woman to another, etc.  Silly me for thinking it actually would.  It was still interesting, and I may have learned something - mostly that heterosexually inclined women are more attracted to 'masculine' smelling men when they are ovulating, but are really turned off and even down right disgusted by the scent of a 'masculine' man.  Men want to have sex with many women - and will even think an 'ugly' woman is doable if they can smell an ovulating vagina. Women are more picky when it comes to what attracts them to a man.  Oh, and love and monogamy can be scientifically calculated through MRI's and such.

3. I haven't seen this movie - and I'm not sure if I ever will.  But everyone who has seen it has said that it was really good (despite the femme mom cheats on her butch partner when she sleeps with the sperm donor for the couple's two children).  Why can't their be a movie where two people (regardless of sexuality - but ESPECIALLY if it is a queer relationship!) doing what it takes to make it work for the long haul and not succumbing to lust or boredom? Don't get me wrong - I don't think everyone that enters a long term, committed relationship ends up with a happily ever after scenario.  Lovers get sick, they die, they cheat on you, they end the relationship for other reasons.  Not everyone really gets a happy ending.  BUT - there are some relationships that last the test of time and actually work and the couple does have a happy ending...or happier.

4.  My current relationship is the most stable, secure, honest, happy, (insert every positive adjective here) relationship I have ever been in.  This isn't because my previous relationships were necessarily bad because of bad people or anything.  Rather, I think that I am just a different person because of those relationships and have a better understanding of who I am and of what I'm looking for in a relationship.  I am not interested in a non-monogamous relationship.  I dabbled in that sort of thing briefly and it was probably one of the worst things I could have ever done - for me and my relationship.  I don't like hurting or hurting people I care about, and everyone was hurt by this feeble attempt to be 'progressive'. Being non-monogamous can make you lose trust in your partner. It can make you feel insecure.  It made me feel both of those things and at the end of the day, it made me question not just my relationship or my partner, but who I was as a person.

Could non-monogamy work for other people? Maybe...but I'm not convinced. I don't think people in non-monogamous relationships are truly happy. I don't think that people in monogamous relationships are necessarily truly happy either.  A relationship is a good one when there is equality and mutual respect between the two (or more) people.

I think the real question is: Can you create equality and harmony in the relationships you enter into? What do you think?

coming out

my friend drea has started a coming out blog and she's lookin for people to share their stories/experiences! so here's my piece...feel free to check her out at Queer Experiences

when i first think about my sexuality, i remember not thinking boys were very important to me from a very young age. that is not to say that i didn't like boys as friends or get along with them, but more in that i really didn't feel the need to go crazy about boys, even while other girls started getting crushes on them. my clearest memory of this sentiment was when all my friends that were girls were super into

New Kids on the Block (NKOTB)


and Saved by the Bell


...i was WAY more into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,


Reading Rainbow,


and Punky Brewster


(a clear sign that i was such a dyke from a very early age...)...i felt no inclination to pick my favoirtie NKOTB or choose who was cuter, Zach or Slater...when really, i totally had a crush on Kelly


(total hottie!)

but being that i was raised Catholic and was told that homosexuality was punishable by eternal damnation, i really tried hard to be attracted to boys. in junior high, i had pretty much nailed the art of appearing to be boy obsessed, while secretly having crushes on many a girl on my volleyball, basketball and softball teams. my room was plastered full of half naked boys...in fact, i'm pretty sure i had an entire wall dedicated to 6-packs, beefy arms and backs...

(it looked a little like this...but envision an entire wall of male objectification...)


by the time i reached high school, i was pretty sure i was a lesbian, and had even entered a down-low relationship with one of my best friends. i was fine with this arrangement because we lived in a rural, conservative town...and quite frankly, being brown in an all-white town gave me more than enough unwanted attention. it wasn't until my second year in college, that i embraced my sexuality and came out to many of my close friends...but even then...it was a very gradual coming out. hell, i knew my mom knew i wasn't straight but when i came out to her i literally said "i'm in a relationship with another woman"....i couldn't say 'i'm a lesbian'. i came out as being 'sexual' (meaning, i didn't want to fix my sexuality to any one category), to being a dyke, to being a lesbian, to being queer, to being a queer dyke...you get the point.



as i think about my progression of self-labeling, i think about how 'coming out' is never something that you get to do once and be done with it. first you come out to yourself, then maybe your close friends, then maybe your parents/relatives...maybe your teachers or mentors...then your co-workers, then your boss, maybe a stranger on the metro because you get into a great conversation and you feel comfortable sharing yourself a little...



it is always something that you have to navigate in your every day life...in your day to day interactions... however, taking that first step does alleviate the difficulty and it has definitely increased my self-confidence, as i no longer feel as though it is some huge secret identity that, if found out, i will be destroyed. (dramatic, i know...but when you're a recovering catholic, it's serious business people!)



some of the most interesting times i've had with deciding who to come out to has been within the restaurant industry...last summer, i worked at a restaurant that was located within a mountain lodge in colorado. i knew that i would only have that job for about a month and was really focused on just getting a job, making as much money as i could, and then moving back to dc to finish my last year of my master's program. because i knew i wasn't really going to be making many super great friends, as this really was a strictly business endeavor, i decided to not let anyone in on my personal life a whole lot. i wanted to 'just be me' instead of being that brown girl who we aren't sure of what exactly she...oh and did we mention? she's also a big fat dyke.

it wasn't until the end of my last shift that i came out to some of my coworkers when we were having our shift drinks and shooting the shit. i received an overwhelming response of 'why didn't you say anything?!?'...and all i could think was 'i just didn't want to be treated differently...' i think this particular experience was very telling for me because i was living and working in a space where i felt like my primary identity was more about my racial makeup than anything else and so because i was receiving so much attention because of that, i didn't want to deal with the implications of negotiating people's reactions to my being a lesbian.

another experience i have had was at a restaurant/bar that was specifically geared toward the queer community. the majority of people staffing the place were gay men and there was one other lesbian that i worked with. i really enjoyed this job because it was a space where i really could be me...i could be meggo...the brown queer girly butch dyke. i got to wear shorts, sneakers, baseball hats, tshirts...you know, your basic softball dyke attire! however, the majority of the gay men i waited on were, for some reason, oblivious to my sexual orientation and assumed that i was straight...or bisexual...i know this because they'd ask me to check out other guys in the restaurant with them. when i would respond, 'i'm not really sure what i'm supposed to be looking for to help you because i don't look at men that way'. i would immediately be given that look...you know...the 'interesting' look. the look that is quizzical....where you can literally see the wheels turning. even though the look never lasted too long, it was still there :) it was usually followed by a grin and then questions about 'how i knew?' and 'what do lesbians do?' etc...this environment, though frustrating at times, was one of the healthiest working environments because i felt safe in my workplace and i did feel free to just be myself...even though some people still didn't know i was a dyke until i told them.

in other words...since i've come out to myself, i've realized that it's not something that i can be done with once it happens...it's something that i negotiate on a daily basis in conjunction with other aspects of what makes me me (i.e. my race, class, gender, geographic location, etc.) it's something that i have had to make a conscious decision to do, based upon how comfortable i feel with the people i am surrounded by...but it does get easier...that's for sure!