***can i just say how annoying it is when you write a long ass blog and then go to hit backspace to delete something and it changes the page so you loose everything you had just written? sounds like i need to blog in a word document from now on and just cut and paste, bitches***
have you ever had those days where you were just feelin pissy? like, you know your'e in a shitty mood and there's nothin that you can do that will make you feel better? that's how i was feeling yesterday. i recognized i was moody right away, but every time i would try to not be, it just made me more pissy, so i rolled w/it.
i had to work yesterday too...and it was slow. so slow...until the last 30 minutes! wtf? a gaggle of just barely 21 year olds came bouncing in and they were so giddy and excited and happy....they made me want to barf. i think perhaps b/c i was jealous that they were having such a good time...but it didn't help that they were demanding, rude, and loud. so i made sure to auto gratuity their asses ;) they weren't that bad i guess...i think i was just irked b/c i was going to be able to go home early b/c it had been so slow, but b/c they came in, i couldn't.
anyway, i digress...
after work, i walked to my bus stop to wait, while i was approached by a homeless woman. i could hardly hear what she was trying to ask me, but i knew she wanted money (duh). i ignored her request for money and instead asked her if she had a place to go to for the night and if that place would give her hot tea b/c she sounded like she was sick. when she told me the place she was headed toward, i said 'good, i just want to make sure you have a place to go tonight and that they will treat you well.' then i gave her $5.00. it's really not a lot of money, especially when you consider that i made decent money despite the slow business last night...and when you think of how much things cost in DC. she then gave me a huge hug. it was a HUGE hug. it lasted for over a minute and she just kept saying 'thank you' over and over again. this hug was so big that i could feel her heart beat. all i could say was 'it's not a big deal, don't thank me'.
then my bus came and i had to say goodnight and good luck to her.
i spent the rest of the bus ride thinking about what had just happened and how i was glad that she had a place to go to, but also guilty for the fact that i was about to go to my apt that was warm and cozy and my kittens would welcome me and love on me. what do i have to be so pissy about? jesus christ?!?!
this is what privilege does to people...it makes them feel pissy about shit for no real reason and allows them to take for granted the things they should be thankful for. for as much as i have to deal with in areas where i am not privileged, i will always, always have some sort of privilege over someone else. so what does that mean? what do i do now? what do i do when i have such a revelation/realization of my privilege?
i think that is the hard thing about privilege. when you come to acknowledge a part of it, it makes you feel guilty and thankful for what you have...but what happens when your guilt feels more intense than your thankfulness? that doesn't make sense...i don't know how to articulate it...it's like...
i'm not doing enough. i'm not doing anything. last night made me see that. i have taken a 2 year hiatus from activism. it made me feel like a horrible person, like i was not being true to who i really am. i felt selfish and like a hypocrite.
then, when i got off the bus to transfer, i saw that i had just missed my other bus...which meant that i would have to wait another 30 mins for the next one...to which i said, 'fuck it. i'm taking a cab the rest of the way'.
when i ride in cabs, i talk to the drivers. it's awkward for me to not talk to them, so i try to ask them questions and just have a convo. it usually results in me paying less money too, so it's sorta a win win b/c i give them what i would normally have to pay and they get to keep it as tip. but this guy...this guy creeped me out. unlike most cab drivers who ask me if i have a boyfriend, this guy was like, 'do you like girls?' he didn't even give me the chance to give my routine of 'oh, i don't have time for boyfriends b/c i am a student and am focused, blah, blah, blah.'.
he when straight for the sexuality question. perhaps b/c i was looking pretty butch or because he knows that Nellie's is a gay sports bar. whatever, it doesn't matter. what matters is that he thought i'd have a threesome with him and another girl when i told him that 'yes, i like girls'. to make things more awkward, he introduced himself to me and made to shake my hand...so then i was like...ok, i'll shake your hand weirdo...
then he told me i have really soft hands....all i could say was, i work in a restaurant and i have to wash them a lot.
gross, gross, gross.
i couldn't wait to get home and run to my apt and wash my hands again and try to forget about what had just happened.
yesterday was a weird day for me. i'm still processing.
this is a very random blog full of unprocessed thoughts...sorry.